By far the weekly ‘scopes from The Onion. They are award winning (so they claim) and are simply the most accurate. Here are some for the week:
Aries You’ll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown.
Taurus The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase “taco truck,” you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
Gemini While it’s true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
Cancer The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: “If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years.”
Leo You’ll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it’s born dead.
Virgo Don’t worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won’t solve.
Libra Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
Did not know that the Chicago Cubs was a Cancer.
Here a helpful weekly forecast by Ruby Slipper Astrology: